Wednesday, February 26, 2014

my secret..............

Here we are, another day of winter, another day of snow. I haven't written a blog in awhile, because the truth be told, I am fighting a bout of depression. I only like to post positive things and try to uplift people (including myself) but it has been a tough winter on many levels. 

Most of my close friends know and now I will share with my readers that I have had an eating disorder for most of my life starting when I was 19. I am now almost 52 and I struggle on a daily basis. That is why it is so important for me to uplift women when they come into my shop. 

I was married the first time to a man who was very abusive. I was 164 pounds at the time,(which for me is a size 8)  and he would always call me CONTINUOUSLY, a "fat f*****g bitch". "Fat greasy wop"  "old hat"  "greasy dago"....this was coming from my then HUSBAND. I lived with that for a long time. I decided the only way to lose weight was to not eat. So, I ate 1/2 of a pop tart every day at 10Am and then ate nothing for the rest of the day. I became extremely gaunt and thin, I was pale, I messed up my blood sugar, I have a heart valve problem to this day, my teeth turned gray, and all the while this was going on he would say, "20 more pounds and you will be perfect".  By whose standards? What exactly is perfect? This man almost destroyed me.  When I was hungry I would rub my teeth with toothpaste. I took Correctol like asprin. I  was so worried about gaining one ounce. I weighed myself 3 times a day!!!!   Since I came from a large Italian family, divorce was a big NO NO!  But guess what, to make a long story short, I did it anyway.  I suffered the consequences, but did it anyway. To make a long story very short, I married an extraordinary man about 10 years ago, and Clayton and I have a beautiful life together. He encourages me every day. I was on a great program before I opened my shop. I ran 5 miles a day and I ate good fresh things because I was home to prepare them. I took time with myself and for a few years my weight was a constant 177 at 5'7" tall and I had curves and felt good about myself. I also went to counseling once a week. When we opened this business I did not have the time to prepare my food. I tried, I really did. Now I am up 28 pounds. Every day I fight with my mind. "dont' eat, don't eat"...what it should be saying is...'make better choices"....I am here for approx 10 hours each day and then I must go home and make hats. That requires sitting.....I must find a way to get in 30 min of exercise. I must find a way to take better care of myself.  Being snowed in as much as we have didn't help me at all. The first thing I want to make when it snows is Macaroni and cheese! My family is predisposed to obesity and heart disease. My father died of diabetes. That CANNOT be me!  I take pictures of myself to show you all, that being a bigger person is not the end of the world, but it also encourages MYSELF. Society does not think that any kind of overweight or curviness can be beautiful. Well, I have news for them. Even at 177 I was curvy, and at 164 I was curvy. I am always going to have 'junk in the trunk' because God gave it to me and it will NOT go away! So, here I am in this photo of the day. Am I depressed about my weight? sometimes, just like EVERY woman. But every day, I try. Every day I encourage myself, and every day I remember NOT to do the unhealthy eating habits that I had that have now left me with health issues. 
I encourage every woman today, 
to wrap your body as if it were a gift. Because it is! Every day is a gift! Every breath is a gift!
Don't worry that you are not a size 2....and if you are very thin, don't worry that you are not a size 6...Beauty is what you feel about YOURSELF! So, ladies and gentlemen, my secret is out. But maybe now, we can encourage each other to eat healthy, take care of ourselves and be the beautiful beings that we were meant to be!

Rose Ellen Moore